How to Stay Married

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Marriage Counseling

At times people think about how problems would be solved if they were married to someone else. Some problems may be solved this way, but it also is true that we carry our response to problems from relationship to relationship. John Gottman, a leading marital researcher, gives this example:

Paul married Alice and Alice gets loud at parties and Paul, who is shy, hates that. But if Paul had married Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight before they even got to the party. That’s because Paul is always late and Susan hates to be kept waiting. She would feel taken for granted, which she is very sensitive about. Paul would see her complaining about this as her attempt to dominate him, which he is very sensitive about. If Paul had married Gail, they wouldn’t have even gone to the party because they would still be upset about an argument they had the day before about Paul’s not helping with the housework. To Gail when Paul does not help she feels abandoned, which she is sensitive about, and to Paul Gail’s complaining is an attempt at domination, which he is sensitive about. The same is true about Alice. If she had married Steve, she would have the opposite problem, because Steve gets drunk at parties and she would get so angry at his drinking that they would get into a fight about it. If she had married Lou, she and Lou would have enjoyed the party but when they got home the trouble would begin when Lou wanted sex because he always wanted sex when he wants to feel closer, but sex is something Alice only wants when she already feels close.

Even rock-solid marriages have sensitivities like the ones described above. This is where it can hurt. It is common to think of marriage as something that is difficult, discouraging, and even hurtful. Many think of personal failure. It is difficult to respond well in an intimate relationship when we are not treated well. We all can think of examples where we are not treated well. Maybe you can think of a time you were betrayed by a childhood friend. Or, you ask your teenage daughter how her evening went, and she nearly bites off your head. Possibly you are caring for aging parents and in spite of all your efforts, they are still unhappy. Or, you are unhappily married but stay together for a number of reasons. Others do not. Every 45 seconds a marriage ends in divorce (Dr. Greg Smalley).

An incredible statistic is the one that predicts divorce. Marriage is one of the most researched topics over the last 40 years and this prediction is well-documented. John Gottman and other researchers underscore that your response, when you are treated poorly in your marriage, is predictive of eventual divorce with 91 percent accuracy.

It is not exactly what is said, or what is done, that is so predictive. It is the feeling that one spouse is above or below the other. It results in defensiveness. It can come from dwelling on the injustices in your relationship, or from ruminating on the weaknesses of the other. It leaks out in one’s tone, facial expressions, and non-verbal body language. It is contempt. We often do not mean to be contemptuous. Maybe you just want to bring up an issue, or just talk about it, and your spouse interprets it as criticism and wants to defend, attack back, and finally withdraw. Dan Allender, in his book with Tremper Longman III, Intimate Allies says that “many couples live with an underlying contempt for each other.” Later they write, “Spouses degrade each other when they show a contemptuous, shaming, judgmental spirit.”

We are all treated poorly at times. We all have different desires and these can turn into expectations. When these expectations are not met, we get angry, or at least disappointed. We can feel that the other is not living up to their end of the bargain. The contract is not being fulfilled. If you a sign a contract, there are certainly expectations to be met. If you use that mentality in marriage, you are set up for more disappointment and hurt. Tension develops between the idea of marriage being a contract, and marriage being a covenant.

So what do spouses do, who generally get treated well, in their marriage, act at those moments when they are not treated well?

If there is any recourse from a hardened heart to one that is open, safety is key. It is hard to open up and admit feelings and failures, if you are afraid of your partner’s response. If one feels safe, you can be honest about feelings and failures. It creates a joint struggle to expose the beautiful, and the broken. It allows for true love, the grace that provides the elements needed to grow, and it feeds passion.

Contempt, on the other hand, is beyond the inevitable frustration with your spouse. It does not just say that I am angry, afraid or sad; it puts the emphasis on that the other is wrong or bad. We are all wrong or bad at times. We all struggle. But people that get treated well do not put down the other resulting in defensiveness. This approach seeks to make sense of your partner, and understand what he or she is feeling, and to make his or her feelings as important as your own. Marital researchers underscore that this non-judgmental approach happens in the context of equal regard, creating a sense of safety. It acknowledges underlying needs on both sides of the equation.

Here are common needs for men and women, as highlighted in Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn’s research-based books on relationships, For Men Only and For Women Only.

Women need to be pursued. They are wired for relationship. Women feel it when something is missing here. They write, “Pursuit is likely to make you a great husband in her eyes.” Relationships need an infusion of energy like anything else of value. A little time can yield big dividends.

In the movie, Parent Trap, Nick asks his ex-wife. Elizabeth, about what happened between them. He said, “It ended so fast. So about the day you packed, why’d you do it?” She replied, “Oh, Nick. We were so young. We both had tempers, we said stupid things, and so I packed. Got on my first 747, and . . . you didn’t come after me.” After a period of dead silence, Nick admitted, “I didn’t know that you wanted me to.” Elizabeth felt if she asked him to come after her, she would never know if he would on his own.

Men need to be proud of. They are wired for accomplishment. Men feel it when something is missing here. The authors write, “What is at stake isn’t his pride as much as his secret feelings of inadequacy as a man.” Many unmarried men described feeling inadequate as a major barrier to getting married in the first place. They do not want to feel inadequate the rest of their lives.

What if I am not open to this kind of covenantal approach? Impulsivity, stress, lack of time and energy, built-up anger, hurt and resentment are all facts of life but get in the way. A formidable obstacle is the belief that one’s partner is more to blame for the relationship problems. An urgent need is for personal support to make personal changes from reading, friends, and support groups.

What if my partner isn’t open to this kind of covenantal approach? This kind of approach is for the sake of the giver as much as the receiver. It allows the giver to feel settled and in control about their part, even if your partner does not respond well. Researchers underscore that when one partner is not treated well, this is precisely the time that this approach is needed. When it gets tough, take a break and come back allowing both sides time to process to a better conclusion. Or break the discussion and ask your partner for proposals, or make proposals. Living in a fallen world and being self-responsible means that we have to set personal boundaries. The challenge, according to marital researchers, is to not look down on your partner in the meantime, because looking down on your partner itself puts your relationship at risk.

The Art of Communication

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

Relationship Communication

Communication

Is harder than many people think. Since the strength of a relationship is based on connection between people, communication is often underestimated as well. It is a skill that must be practiced over and over. Even when making casual conversation, there is opportunity to strengthen relationships by reflecting the interests of another. One’s words can also strain relationships when they stir up emotions. The intent of one’s message may be lost leaving both parties feeling misunderstood. Three ingredients to resolving relationship issues apply to spouses, parents, children, friends and coworkers: Understanding, Showing concern, and Agreements.

One must be calm and focused to use these tools. Otherwise one’s brain, flooded with adrenaline, does not cooperate and one’s intent in communication is much different than the impact of one’s words. On the contrary, when relaxed, usually taking turns without interruptions works. Taking time to understand before you are understood even works better. Technically, one does not have to prove oneself or convince someone to be valid.

U nderstanding
To show understanding one cannot assume he or she understands the other. One cannot also assume the other is wrong. People tend to repeat themselves, argue, or criticize unless they feel understood. To make sense of what someone is saying does not mean you agree, feel the same, or would do the same as someone else in a given situation. To understand, instead, accomplishes the purpose of communication: to make sense to someone else. People who feel better or closer after a discussion usually feel connected rather than corrected. A couple of guidelines can greatly reduce adrenaline-fused verbal spars. When showing understanding, focus on the following:
Fouls: avoid insults and topic-hopping. Starting sentences with “I” may receive less resistance that starting sentences with “You.”
Feelings:what one is feeling is more important than facts to feel close to someone.
Future: the future can be changed, the past needs understanding but cannot be changed.

S howing concern
Demonstrating that one cares is an essential ingredient in satisfying relationships. If one is in a relationship but no longer cares, perhaps one is dwelling on the negative, or there is a lack of common goals. There are a number of ways to show you care not only about a person, but also about their statements.
Talk: tell the person how much you appreciate them or what they feel.
Time: spend time doing something enjoyable together.
Touch: affection can say a lot more than words when done appropriately.
Tasks: whatever you do for another that’s not expected but appreciated.
Tokens: notes, small gifts or offering to get someone a drink.

A greements
Even though one may not agree about the past or about a given topic, one can make agreements for the future. Adhering to agreements yield trust, commitment, and even passion. The following considerations can increase the chance of success, even if one has to go back to the drawing board.
Optimism: agreements should not bring future resentments.
Options: commit to find options that will work for both parties.
Outcomes: (not threats) that are understood if agreements are not kept.

For many, “I” statements are recommended to be used to communicate. For example, “I feel ______ when ______.” To connect and strengthen the relationship, try an experiment using a particular kind of “You” statements. For example, “You are feeling or thinking ______ and wishing for ______.” Instead of saying, “I understand,” or repeating what another is saying, show understanding with your words. Check with the person or look for signs that they feel understood. Instead of using “You” statements to criticize, condemn, or complain, see what happens when one makes comments showing interest in another’s views, whether they are wrong or right, over time. Even though you may not agree, you can make agreements.

 

Listen
When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving advice
You have not done what I asked.


When I ask you to listen to me
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way
You are trampling on my feelings.


When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problems
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.


Listen! All I ask is that you listen
Not talk or do – just hear me.
Advice is cheap: the world wide web is full of free advice.
And I can do for myself. I’m not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.


But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational, then I stop trying to convince you,
And can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.


And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
So please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk,
Wait a minute for your turn, and I’ll listen to you.

Anonymous

Communication Cheat Sheet

By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.

D escribe the other person’s feeling, or show appreciation, or make sense of what they are thinking, even if you disagree.

A sk for what you are wanting, or ask the other person to make sense of what you are feeling. Make multiple proposals. Don’t debate.

B oundaries make clear what you are not willing to do, but end with what you are willing to do. Meet in the middle.

 

This approach can also be used for kids. Start by connecting with your child to increase the chance of being heard, describe their feeling (even in one word). Ask your child to do the right thing, or for a “time-in,” (teaching him or her how to calm yourself), or to take a “time-out.” Set boundaries by making it clear what is not okay, followed by what behavior is okay. Consequences can also be clarified or negotiated also at this point.

What to Ask Before You Marry

How well can you answer these questions with a long-term view?<!–more–>

General
<ol>
<li>What are the five most important things to you in a marriage?</li>
<li>I love you because . . . (three reasons).</li>
<li>I want to marry you because . . . (three specific reasons, not “I love you”).</li>
<li>We’re a good match because . . . (five reasons).</li>
<li>Where would you like to live?</li>
<li>How much would you like to spend your free time together?</li>
<li>How much personal/alone time do you need?</li>
<li>How much sleep do you need? Are you a morning or evening person?</li>
<li>How often do you expect to visit extended family?</li>
<li> Do you expect to be very social as a couple? To spend much time with friends?</li>
<li> Do you expect to take family vacations every year?</li>
<li>Do you plan to make a career change after you get married?</li>
</ol>
Family History
<ol>
<li>What did your father’s role in the family look like? Your mother’s role?</li>
<li> Do you think your parents were healthy emotionally and relationally? Why or why not?</li>
<li>How do you feel about how your parents related to each other?</li>
<li>How did your parents make decisions? Did they talk about decisions together or did one spouse make decisions without consulting his or her partner?</li>
<li> What would you like to see your roles as husband and wife look like?</li>
<li>How would you like to make decisions as a couple once you’re married?</li>
</ol>
Division of Labor
<ol>
<li>Who will do the following chores?</li>
<li>Cooking and preparing meals?</li>
<li>Cleaning up after meals?</li>
<li>Cleaning bathrooms?</li>
<li>Doing the laundry?</li>
<li>Taking out trash?</li>
<li>Grocery shopping?</li>
<li>Decorating?</li>
<li>Household repairs?</li>
<li>Servicing the car?</li>
<li>Yard work?</li>
<li>Planning trips?</li>
<li>Planning nights out?</li>
<li>Buying and giving gifts?</li>
<li>Planning and shopping for occasions?</li>
<li>Corresponding with family and friends?</li>
<li>Caring for aging parents?</li>
<li>Caring for pets?</li>
</ol>
In-laws
<ol>
<li>What do you like and dislike about your parents? Your family?</li>
<li>Are there unhealthy patterns, dysfunctions, or other challenges in your family?</li>
<li>What concerns do you both have about your future in-laws?</li>
<li>Are you worried about interfering in-laws? What will you do if this happens?</li>
<li>What are your families’ expectations regarding your relationship?</li>
<li>What are your expectations regarding how your relationship with your families might change?</li>
<li>Will your families expect to see you regularly? How often?</li>
<li>What boundaries to you need to set right away?</li>
<li>What will you do about holidays?</li>
<li>What family traditions and customs would you like to continue?</li>
</ol>
Spirituality
<ol>
<li>Was church or synagogue attendance a regular part of your childhood?</li>
<li>One a scale of one to five rate the level of church involvement you prefer.</li>
<li>When you’re married, when do you want to pray together?</li>
<li>How important if Bible reading to you? Is joining a Bible study with others something you would like to do?</li>
<li>How important is spiritual leadership to you? Do you believe that one of you should take the lead, or how would both of you work together to lead the family?</li>
<li>What religious traditions are important to you?</li>
</ol>
Finances
<ol>
<li>Did you grow up rich, poor, or middle class?</li>
<li>What value did you learn to place on money?</li>
<li>Were you secure or insecure about money?</li>
<li>Did your parents model generosity, good shopping habits, and careful planning?</li>
<li>Was work more important than family? Was pleasure more important than wise money management?</li>
<li>Did your parents use coupons, pay bills on time, and meet financial goals?</li>
<li>Was there gambling, overspending, or spending to impress friends and neighbors?</li>
<li>Did either parent engage in high-risk ventures?</li>
<li>Did your parents have the idea that bankruptcy is okay?</li>
<li>Did your family sacrifice when needed, save, invest, and use cash versus credit?</li>
<li>Was paying for insurance, education, and retirement important to your parents?</li>
<li>Did they live on the edge of their finances now and not worry about tomorrow?</li>
<li>Do you think joint or separate accounts are appropriate in your marriage?</li>
<li>Do you think paying the bills should be done separately or together?</li>
<li>Do you work with a budget now?</li>
<li>Are you conservative or aggressive in investments?</li>
<li>What are your income goals?</li>
<li>Have you ever lost a large sum of money?</li>
<li>What mistakes have you made with money?</li>
<li>How much and what will each of you be free to spend?</li>
<li>What stress you out when it comes to money?</li>
<li>Do you tithe or give to charitable organizations?</li>
</ol>
Emotions
<ol>
<li>How do you handle anger?</li>
<li>How do you handle anxiety?</li>
<li>How do you handle sadness?</li>
<li>How do you handle disagreements?</li>
<li>How do you solve problems?</li>
<li>How do you stay connected and close over time?</li>
<li>How do you handle resentments?</li>
<li>How do you handle “the silent treatment?”</li>
</ol>
Sexuality
<ol>
<li>One a scale of one to five how important is sex?</li>
<li>How often do you expect to have sex?</li>
<li>What worries do you have about sex?</li>
<li>Can we both initiate sex?</li>
<li>What is your attitude about giving or receiving sexual pleasure?</li>
<li>Are there limits? Acts or behavior that is not acceptable to you?</li>
<li>What would ruin sexual intimacy for you?</li>
<li>What creates passion for you?</li>
<li>What was your family’s attitude toward sex?</li>
<li>How did you learn about sex?</li>
<li>What experiences and influences from your childhood and adolescence might hinder healthy sex with your future mate?</li>
<li>Are you comfortable talking about sex? Why or why not?</li>
<li>How has the media and culture influenced what you think about sex?</li>
<li>How comfortable are you with your body? Your appearance?</li>
<li>How important is healthy sex to you and your future mate?</li>
</ol>
Children
<ol>
<li>How many children would you like to have?</li>
<li>How do you feel about birth control?</li>
<li>Would one of us be a stay-at-home parent? How do you feel about that?</li>
<li>What if we’re unable to have children? How would you feel about fertility treatments?</li>
<li>How do you feel about adoption? Would you consider it, and when?</li>
<li>When would you like to start a family?</li>
<li>How would your disciplinary approaches differ?</li>
</ol>
Red Flags
<ol>
<li>Is your relationship more passion or more commitment-oriented?</li>
<li>Has your relationship stood the test of time?</li>
<li>Are there any bad habits or pet peeves?</li>
<li>Do you detect possible immaturity or selfishness?</li>
<li>Do you detect a critical nature?</li>
<li>Does one withdraw and isolate?</li>
<li>Is there any financial irresponsibility?</li>
<li>Is there any history of verbal or physical abuse? Controlling behavior?</li>
<li>Are there differences in core values or beliefs, especially spiritual?</li>
<li>Are there any addictive behaviors or substance use?</li>
<li>Any crossing of relationship boundaries with other in the past or currently?</li>
<li>Are both partners physically, financially, and emotionally free from past relationships?</li>
<li>Do you have your families blessing for your marriage?</li>
</ol>
Remarriages
<ol>
<li>Have you recovered from the loss of your previous marriage?</li>
<li>Have your kids recovered?</li>
<li>What will each of you change about this marriage to succeed?</li>
<li>Are you comfortable with your ex and your partner’s ex? What potential problems may arise?</li>
<li>Are you prepared for the complexities of step-parenting?</li>
<li>Are there child-custody issues, or legal issues that may appear in the future?</li>
<li>What will you need to become a successful blended family?</li>
</ol>
Skill-based premarital courses lower divorce rates by 45 percent. Call us with any questions at (815) 276-3947.

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