By Dan Blair, a marriage counselor and family counselor.
D escribe the other person’s feeling, or show appreciation, or make sense of what they are thinking, even if you disagree.
A sk for what you are wanting, or ask the other person to make sense of what you are feeling. Make multiple proposals. Don’t debate.
B oundaries make clear what you are not willing to do, but end with what you are willing to do. Meet in the middle.
This approach can also be used for kids. Start by connecting with your child to increase the chance of being heard, describe their feeling (even in one word). Ask your child to do the right thing, or for a “time-in,” (teaching him or her how to calm yourself), or to take a “time-out.” Set boundaries by making it clear what is not okay, followed by what behavior is okay. Consequences can also be clarified or negotiated also at this point.